Sleep, Eat, Play, Sleep?

You people are very confusing. You and your "routines."


I am a free spirit. My Rouseau-ian soul can't be confined to your structures and conventions. Yes, somedays it appears that I have subscribed to your lifestyle. That is only because it happens to coincide with how I decided to live that day. Some nights I will sleep eight hours, other nights (like, oh, I don't know, last night) I will have the spirit move me to be awake and eating three or four times.

Much like a tidal wave, when you try to contain me, I will mess you up. For real.

They're spying on me

I've given up on that sleep thing. Tried it for two nights. Now I just lie in bed and plan and scheme (and scream).

I like to think out loud. I do my best thinking alone in my room. I like to just lie in my bed and talk through my plans to take over the world. Yesterday afternoon I was talking a nap and John Ashcroft (my father) secretly filmed me and overheard my supersecret plans:
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4911969117126151716&hl=en

I decided I had two options to get back at him for this:
1. Sue him for divorce and find a judge on the ninth circuit to throw him into Guantanamo.
2. Bite his head.

It wasn't a tough choice.

I could get used to this sleep thing

I'm at a bit of a loss. I enjoyed my sleep so much two nights ago getting nine hours of sleep, that I did it again last night. I am going to have to find new ways to irritate my parents.



Fortunately, Balazs Bacsi has agreed to mentor me. Az anyam loved his joke about why I won't be attending the University of Toronto. By the time I'll be eligible to attend I'll already have a high school diploma. If she didn't have such a good sense of humor, she would have been really irritated by that joke. She has such a good sense of humor and is so magnanimous that she wasn't even angry at anybody for that joke. She's a great mom.

The key to life

Plotting to take over the world while destroying the will of your parents is hard work. Some nights, like last night, you just have to sleep for nine hours, wake up at 4 in the morning and stick your tongue out at your father.


My mother likes to do that as well, but she doesn't get the nine hours of sleep. She just wakes up at awful hours of the morning and sticks her tongue out at my father.

What shall I do tonight?

I will probably end up doing what I did last night, and the night before, and the night and the night before. It seems like we do the same thing every night around here. Around 5:30 or 6 o'clock I get a bazillion articles of clothing put on me, I then get strapped to a parent and then we go for a walk. When we get home I get bathed, fed and then put to sleep. It's kind of like prison or scout camp with the same pattern every day. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

I do so enjoy the walks, but the outfits are starting to border on the absurd.


The only reason this doesn't look silly is because I am so ridiculously cute.

I'm sure my parents never did this

I love messing with my parents. They're really going crazy now.

I haven't been sleeping very well. Some tummy issues have been waking me up regularly throughout the night for the last two weeks. At least that's what I pretended was going on just to wear down the old folks.


Last night I heard them planning how they were going deal with me - who was going to get me and when, etc. So, I slept like a baby. Figuratively, that is. They put me to bed at a bit after 7pm. I then woke up around midnight. Then I slept again until 4am. They hardly slept, waiting for me to wake up after only 2 hours of sleep. Silly parents.

Those who would stand in my way

There are those out there who believe I should not take over the world, either they don't think that I am qualified or they would like to take it over for themselves. I have taken two steps to thwart and refute these people.

1. I have put together a video documenting the reasons I should be, as my boy Leo called it, King of the World:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=1251994414601788283&hl=en

2. For those who still are not convinced and try to stand in my way, I will take them down. Here is some video of my practicing for the day when I have to face off with my arch enemy. Be warned. Mess with me, next time it could be you.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=6424950663167646879&hl=en

Sometimes I get a little carried away

As Prince (not Machiavelli's, but the singer) sang, "Sometimes I'm just like mother, she's never satisfied." Well, sometimes I'm just like my mother. Well, okay, I actually get this attribute from my father, but he told me to blame my mother.

I get a little carried away at times. Especially when I find a good thing I take it to excess. When I arrived in this world I decided that I liked the hospital so much I stayed for five extra days. I like being awake so much that I try to not sleep. Now that I've found there is more to this world than milk, I am trying to eat everything....everything, that is, except for rice cereal.

I've found fingers to be extremely tasty.

I probably won't use the title 'Dear Leader'

I have begun high-level planning of what to do once I am the world leader. It's one thing to take over the world, it's another to keep it.


For leadership advice, I'm having trouble deciding whether to follow Machiavelli, Sun-Tzu or Matt Foley.

The path to fat

As I discussed two days ago, I want to get big. Real Big. I had a revelation on how to get there: food, glorious food.

In the past I have not been happy eating food, but I'm going to deal with it for the greater good (world domination by yours truly).

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=1216762929282098495

It really isn't all that bad. The spoon is really tasty.

Even the kings go walking sometimes

Whether or not you picked up on it, I have significant plans for myself. I've been thinking of different modes of transportation befitting a man of the stature I will achieve.

Cars? Boring.

Rickshaw? Difficult to get around.

Litter? Too many people and sounds trashy.

No, the way to travel is like Master of Master Blaster fame.

I don't have quite the outfit from that link, but maybe for Christmas I'll buy one for az apam.

Why size matters

In the past I have expounded on my concerns about my height and weight. It has been pointed out to me that my focus on these characteristics might be unhealthy, there are others who have taken it too far in the past, some for height and some for weight. It's different with me.

Pop quiz: One of these does not belong with the others, which one?

Napolean, Goldfinger, Joan of Arc, Blofeld, Gary Coleman, Engelbert Dollfub, Hitler, Genghis Khan, Yasser Arafat, Alexander the Great, Brain from Pinky and the Brain.

It's clearly Blofeld. He's tall. The rest were short, tried to dominate the world and failed. Ernst Stavro Blofeld came the closest and he was the only tall one of the bunch. There is a direct correlation between height and success at achieving world domination.

The reason this has become an issue again is that I went to the doctor last week and I have fallen way off pace. My height is now 28 inches, which is good (projection for age 18 = 33 ft tall). However, my weight was only 16 lbs. 12 ounces (projection for age 18 = 454 lbs). I'm going to be a very odd looking 33 ft tall man if I only weigh 454 lbs. How will anyone take me seriously when I take over the world if I look like an oversized Calista Flockhart?

Next they're gonna add fluoride to my water

So the Department of Homeland Security must have been reading my posts about taking over the world. DHS brainwashed my parents to try to feed my mind-control drugs. They are afraid of me. As they should be.

I was having a lovely afternoon being grouchy, when az anyam put me into a new chair with a tray. It is no control panel, but it is a lovely chair. I enjoyed sitting in the lovely chair. I had a feeling something strange was afoot at the Circle K when they put a plastic bib on me. It was like in the mob when you go over the boss's house and there's plastic sheeting on the floor because they're "painting."

Then it happened. Az anyam put a spoonful of "food" into my mouth. DSH knows I'm onto them so they're trying to poison me. They're having my loving parents give me this soylent green to turn me into a mind-numbed robot. They want me to be just like those of you out there who don't understand that the Freemasons brainwashed Ross Perot to pick James Stockdale as his running mate so he'd lose. They were scared of Ross Perot and now they're scared of me. You could say I am the new Ross Perot. But I digress...

Note that shortly after az anyam puts the "food" in my mouth I realize what is going on and let her know of my displeasure at her ruse:
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7914056596791606373

Why she had to go and turn on me like this I'll never know. Next thing you know, they're going to start reading me The Catcher in the Rye.

What a wild journey it's been

Now that I've been around for four months(Happy Birthday to ME), it's time for a little introspection and a look back at these last four months. I'm like a rock band that's released two albums and decides to put out a Best of Album.


I haven't been around much, but I've been pretty busy:

• I spent a week in NICU and got more morphine than Edgar Allan Poe.
• I met the family.
• The whole family.
• That is no small feat.
• I flew on two trips, one international.
• I went international twice.
• I joined three groups to meet ladies (or as az anyam calls them "Moms' groups.")
• I broke my parents and am remolding them into more Mate-focused beings.
• I attended the Godfather's wedding.
• My eternal soul was saved.
• I nearly drowned in the process.

Overall, this whole life thing has been pretty cool. Although, as TS Eliot said "this Birth was Hard and bitter agony for us", I'm pretty glad I was born. Thanks Mom.

This blog is a blessing, not a right

This morning az apam made me very sad.

I had a very busy morning playing with some toys and eating and crying and sitting in my bouncy seat, so I had not gotten around to posting today's update. I was then castigated by my father for not getting to it already. This seems like an appropriate time to remind everybody that I choose to grace everybody with my presence in these updates as a service to all of you and humanity as a whole.

You have a choice in life. You can surf youtube for pretty Estonian girls:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2bLcCfuBLg

Or you can check out ridiculously cute videos of me when I have the chance to post:

http://video.google.com/videouploadfinished?docid=2655604836270417030&filename=wsb64__TVZJXzA0NzU.AVI

Thanks, but no thanks

A quick note to Balazs Bacsi: Thank you for your interest and offers of help in my plans to dominate the world. While I was impressed with your qualifications and ambitions, I have decided to pursue other avenues at this time. I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.

How to take over the world in two easy steps

Reading my previous posts, many of you are saying to yourselves, "Selves, this kid can't be serious. I mean, really. Does he really think he can take over the world? Does he even have a plan?" The answers to those questions are Yes and Yes.

It all comes down to breaking the will of the people. Using skills developed by the US Government at Guantanamo Bay and by NASA scientists, I have been practicing on my parents.
It is really just a simple three step process.

1. Lull them into a sense of security and placidity:

2. Using a rage and a fury unbeknownst to most mere mortals, unleash a torrent of screaming and tears not unlike a crazed valkyrie on her way to Valhalla.

3. Repeat every 2-3 hours.

Update on plans for world domination

Today's update is from the Northern Command Center of World Overthow Organization (WOO). This command post is buried in an isolated location nobody would ever suspect as headquarters of a diabolical megalomaniac to lead a plot to take over the world.

This command center is far more powerful with many more gadgets than central command. Sometimes there are too many gadgets and I need to take a break. I was so overwhelmed by gadgets that at one point I decided to bash them with my cheek. Please note: In a battle between my cheek and a large plastic object, the large plastic object always wins.

I have been working on some disguises as well. Not only is India the second largest nation in the world in terms of population, it also has the world's fourth largest coal reserves. I think we all know what that means....it means I needed a way to get around the streets of Calcutta incognito. Although Christopher Hitchens may not approve, checkout my Indian Obfuscation/Mother Teresa look:

I just flew to Toronto last night

And boy are my arms tired!

Actually, all of me was really darned tired. So tired in fact that I ended up falling asleep in the air. I fell asleep at 6 or 7 pm and I didn't wake up until 3 am. It's the weirdest thing to fall asleep on an airplane with 225 of the finest specimens of humanity and wake up in Mama's basement in the dark with only my parents.

So I slept at most three hours three nights ago. I slept six hours at one stretch two nights ago. Last night I slept almost nine hours. My parents are probably hoping my sleep will level off here. I'm thinking Sine Curve. Six hours tonight. Three hours tomorrow.

Welcome to my control panel

This is my command post. My control panel. The helm of my ship. It is from this crow's nest that I will plot the steps I need to take for my ultimate goal of world dominition.

My first step will be president of my nursery school. Then I will recruit the neighbor kids for all those rowdy skills of theirs that makes my mother hate them. They are the perfect thugs for one looking to dominate the world. And their dad is a gun runner. From there, a few years at Yale and some time with the Skulls. Some time as an associate at the Carlyle Group, a few years working for the Trilateral Commission and then CEO of a major defense contractor. THEN THE WORLD.

Of course, if that doesn't work out I'll have my hiphop career as backup:

I am the Matthew rapper

and I'm here to say:

I want world domination

in a major way.

Cuteness is a survival technique

Last night I really wasn't in a mood to sleep. So I didn't. My poor mother woke up five times during the night to deal with me. I'm sure we'll look back at this some day and laugh.

I attribute my surviving the nigh to the following facts:

• I'm not a common langur or a Papio hamadryas ursinus or anything else that eats its young
• I am ridiculously cute
• The vast skill set I have in charming the ladies which I inherited from my father

My dad is kinda cool

Cause I can laugh at him and he doesn't mind. Here's some video of me laughing at him trying to sing:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4531914341586563533

All he does is encourage me by singing some more.

Aunts and Uncles can't be trusted

Sometimes I need a nap and I can't find an aunt or an uncle to sleep on. They're "busy." Oh yeah, just because you're in England or Florida or California or Iraq or somewhere is no excuse when I need my sleep.

I was pretty upset until I found a replacement.



Who really needs an aunt or an uncle when one has Mami's boppy?

Auntie Em Redux

I already introduced you to my Auntie Em in the infamous "Auntie Em! Auntie Em! It's a Twister, It's a Twister!!!" posting. I am still getting angry, abusive email about that one. Pak Bacsi, Please stop sending them.

Anyway, as I'm going through Aunts and Uncles I figure it would be appropriate to reintroduce Auntie Emi Neni. She's an awesome aunt. I found the best way to bond with my aunts and uncles is to sleep on them.

Emi Neni just bought a car. Hopefully she'll teach me to drive it soon. Well maybe not too soon.